Funnies!!

[Dan R.]

[Anna Almonte]

In response to the "Canada, America's hat." picture...

[Brian Briggs]

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

[Anna Almonte]

Too Funny!

[Joe Little]

Its been a while , but had to post this one !!

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

[clhilde]

[Anna Almonte]

[Joe Durfee]

Three months since the last joke is unacceptable!

A man is diagnosed with a terminal illness and he goes to his friend who is also a doctor for a second opinion.

Doctor says, "I've reviewed the test results- You've only got about 6 months left to live." The man says, "Doc give it to me strait is there anything I can do?!" Doc says, "As a your doctor or as your friend?" - "as a friend, doc."

This is what the doctor told him...

"If I was you, I'd move to North Dakota- Marry a fat German woman with a pig farm and 7 kids." ... "What will that do, Doc? Will that cure me?"

He says, "No, but it will be the longest 6 months of your life."

[Darryl Miller]

[Mark Gamble]

They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should  ensure they have the following:ShovelBlankets or sleeping bagExtra clothing including hat and gloves24 hours worth of foodDe-IcerRock SaltFlashlight with spare batteriesRoad Flares or Reflective TrianglesEmpty gas CanFirst Aid KitBooster cables   























I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning! 

[Anna Almonte]

[Joe Durfee]

Subject: Let It Snow!

Aug. 20 - Moved to our new home in Michigan.
It is so beautiful here. The hills are so picturesque.
Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.
This is God's Country. I love it here!

Oct. 14 - Michigan is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors - you should see the beautiful shades of red and orange and yellow! Went for a ride through some beautiful rolling hills and spotted some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be Paradise. I love it here!

Nov. 3 - Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature, the very symbol of peace and tranquility. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night! Woke up to find everything blanketed in white, just like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother nature in perfect harmony.
I love Michigan!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again (that rascal) and pushed all the snow back into the driveway, but we bundled up and had a good time clearing it - and we made a snowman out of it! A winter wonderland. I love it here!

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work on time! I'm exhausted from shoveling. That damn snowplow!

Dec. 22 - More of that white crap fell last night.
I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow man hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling this driveway, the jerk!
And you should see our heating bills!

Dec. 25 - "White Christmas" my busted ass! More friggin snow.
If I ever get my hands on that son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll break the bastard's nose. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt this friggin ICE!

Dec. 28 - More white sh*t last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except for shoveling out the driveway every time "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere, car's buried in a mountain of frozen snow.
The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the sh*t tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is?
Jan. 1 - Happy Damn New Year, the weatherman was wrong AGAIN.
We got two feet of the white sh*t this time. At this rate it won't melt before the Fourth of July. The snowplow got stuck up the road, and the jerk had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel.
After I told him I've broken six shovels already, shoveling all the sh*t he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his damn head!

Jan. 8 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back, a damn deer ran in front of the car and I hit the bastard. Did about $3,000 worth of damage to the car. Those damn beasts ought to be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

Mar. 22 - Took the car to the garage in town.
Would you believe the thing is rotting out from all that damn salt they keep dumping all over the road?
Car looks like a piece of sh*t!

April. 10 - Moved back to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in that God forsaken state of Michigan!

[Mark Meriaux]

Snow..........aka Devil's Dandruff, Connecticut Confetti, etc

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/ ... i148621,p1

[Curtis R. Marburger]

[ageless]

That must me one of those mexican cartel cows! LOL!

[ageless]

An italian, a mexican, and a redneck constuction worker all sat down one day to eat their lunch on top of a building they were working on.

The italian opens his lunch and looks in and says "Salami again! If I get salami one more day, I'm gonna jump off this building"

The mexican opens his lunch and says "Burrito again! If I get a burrito one more day, I am gonna jump off this building"

The redneck opens his lunch and says "P-nut butter and jelly again! If I get p-nut butter and jelly one more day, I am gonna jump off this building.

The next day at lunch, the Italian opens his lunch and finds salami so he jumps off the building.
The mexican opens his lunch and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building.

The redneck opens his lunch and finds p-nut butter and jelly so he jumps off the building.

Later, at the funeral the Italians wife cries out "I didn't know he disliked salami so much"
The mexican's wife cries out "I wish I knew he was so sick of burrito's"

The redneck wife says "Hey, don't look at me, he always fixed his own lunch!"

[ronald hannah]

Free Beer.jpg (129.64KiB)Viewed 1904 times

[innstone]

Wow, nobody's posted lately on one of the most important forums here, so this will have to do. A couple are funny, the rest are to be considered punishment.

Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalapeno business!

Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator

Q: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? A: An ambulance.

Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? A: An irrelephant.

Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.

Q: How do you drown a Hipster? A: In the mainstream.

Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? A: Nobody nose.

[Dave.Scott]

and she didn't hear the bullet coming............

Even though she is right!

[Stone Dude]

Wow, nobody's posted lately on one of the most important forums here, so this will have to do. A couple are funny, the rest are to be considered punishment.

Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalapeno business!

Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator

Q: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? A: An ambulance.

Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? A: An irrelephant.

Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.

Q: How do you drown a Hipster? A: In the mainstream.

Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? A: Nobody nose.

These are terrible. I have one to add.

Q: What is the only thing a Caterpillar afraid of? A: A Dogapillar.

[Brian Briggs]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU

We now have our rule book!

[Dan R.]

Too funny
,

[Dave.Scott]

So,
If a male goat is a Ram.

And,
a mature donkey is an Ass.

Then why?

Is a Ram in the Ass a goose?

[Ken Lago]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go into that field over there....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly showed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This means I have the authority to go wherever I wish....ON ANY LAND!! Have I made myself clear?... Do you understand!!?
The rancher nodded politely, and went about his chores. A short time later the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big bull.... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely the he would get gored before he reached safety. The Officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher got up on the fence and yelled, "YOUR BADGE, SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE!!"

[Dan R.]

Republican walks into a democratic bookstore and asks for the new book by Donald Trump.

The proprietor yells at him "Get the F*** out and never come back!"

The Republican says, " Yeah, that is the one, do you have it in paperback".