Funnies!!

[mike y]

The http://www.funuc.com/?p=402 Horniest man on earth!!

[sytile]

Warning: Scam Against Older Men:

Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely will again this upcoming weekend!

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[Mark Gamble]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
"Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance ... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's @ss?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old folks, they didn't get old by being stupid.

[Mark Gamble]

Two guys were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape
from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make
the entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately
the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer
on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their
circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot!
Now were going to have to piss in the boat !!

[ageless]

HOW TO START A FIGHT



One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________



My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

_______________________________



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

________________________________



My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really

need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's **** near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________



I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

[Burkie]

Tops Rey!

Regards

[Burkie]

A dietician was giving a presentation. “Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and long-term harm can be caused by germs in our drinking water. But there is ONE THING that is the MOST DANGEROUS OF ALL AND WE ALL HAVE, OR WILL, EAT IT. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the MOST GRIEF AND SUFFERING FOR YEARS AFTER EATING It??" A old man in the front row stood up and said, "WEDDING CAKE!!

=====================================================

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. After the game, he asked her how she liked it."Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and the big muscles, but I don't get why they were killing each other over 25 cents. Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean? "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!

[william w]

Rey, good ones.

[Anna Almonte]

Funny!

[Mark Gamble]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press
their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night,

(you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.. . . and then there are educators.

[Mark Gamble]

4 Worms in church
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!





A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol...Dead.




The second worm in cigarette smoke...Dead.






Third worm in chocolate syrup...Dead.





Fourth worm in good clean soil... Alive .


So the Minister asked the congregation, What did you learn from this demonstration?


Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service!

[Mark Gamble]

Two Indians and I
were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians
ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.


"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes
and ran into the cave.


I was puzzled
and asked the remaining Indian
what it was all about.
"Was that Indian crazy or what?"


The Indian replied
"No, It is our custom during mating season
when Indian men see cave, they holler
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.
If they get an answer back,
it means there's a beautiful woman
in there waiting for us."


Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave,
stopped, and hollered,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was the answer.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.


I wandered around in the woods
alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As I looked in amazement at the size
of the huge opening, I was thinking,
"Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It's bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
I stood in front of the opening
and hollered with all my might,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"


Like the others, I then heard an answering call,
"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in my eye and a smile on my face,
I raced into the cave,
tearing off my clothes as I ran.


The following day,
the headline of the local newspaper read .....


NAKED NEWFOUNDLANDER RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!!!!!

[Mark Gamble]

You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease,
arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter...
The interview was as follows:
The lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?
The farmer stared at the reporter and said,
Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information
but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

Farmer: And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?
Reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam.
Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day....
and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?

THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED...

[Mark Gamble]

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything-under-one-roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says 'Yeah, I was a salesman back in Wisconsin...'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'Son, how many customers bought something from you today?'
The kid says, 'One.'
The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says, '$101,237.65.'
The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down off the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft Cabin Cruiser. When he said he didn't think his Honda Civic could pull it, I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Hummer that could.'
The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a new BOAT and a HUMMER?'
The kid said 'No sir, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

[Mark Gamble]

A couple was celebrating 50 years together..
> Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their
> honor.
>
> "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one ....'Sorry I'm
> running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know
> how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
>
> "Not to worry," said the father.
> "The important thing is that we're all together today."
>
> Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad.
> I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time
> to shop for you."
>
> "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
>
> Just then, the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm
> sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing
> so I didn't have time to get you anything..."
>
> After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your
> mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very
> poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.
>
> Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very
> much, but we just never found the time to get married."
>
> The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
>
> "Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

[Mark Gamble]

The cats nestle close to their kittens now.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You’re cozy and warm in your bed, my dear.
Please go the f*ck to sleep.

The windows are dark in the town, child.
The whales huddle down in the deep.
I’ll read you one very last book if you swear
You’ll go the f*ck to sleep.

The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest
And the creatures who crawl, run, and creep.
I know you’re not thirsty. That’s bullshit. Stop lying.
Lie the f*ck down, my darling, and sleep.

The wind whispers soft through the grass, hon.
The field mice, they make not a peep.
It’s been thirty-eight minutes already.
Jesus Christ, what the f*ck? Go to sleep.

All the kids from day care are in dreamland.
The froggie has made his last leap.
Hell no, you can’t go to the bathroom.
You know where you can go? The f*ck to sleep.

The owls fly forth from the treetops.
Through the air, they soar and they sweep.
A hot crimson rage fills my heart, love.
For real, shut the f*ck up and sleep.

The cubs and the lions are snoring,
Wrapped in a big snuggly heap.
How is it you can do all this other great shit
But you can’t lie the f*ck down and sleep?

The seeds slumber beneath the earth now
And the crops that the farmers will reap.
No more questions. This interview’s over.
I’ve got two words for you, kid: fucking sleep.

The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle.
The sparrow has silenced her cheep.
f*ck your stuffed bear, I’m not getting you shit.
Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep.

The flowers doze low in the meadows
And high on the mountains so steep.
My life is a failure, I’m a shitty-ass parent.
Stop fucking with me, please, and sleep.

The giant pangolins of Madagascar are snoozing.
As I lie here and openly weep.
Sure, fine, whatever, I’ll bring you some milk.
Who the f*ck cares? You’re not gonna sleep.

This room is all I can remember.
The furniture crappy and cheap.
You win. You escape. You run down the hall.
As I nod the f*ck off, and sleep.

Bleary and dazed I awaken
To find your eyes shut, so I keep
My fingers crossed tight as I tiptoe away
And pray that you’re fucking asleep.

We’re finally watching our movie.
Popcorn’s in the microwave. Beep.
Oh shit. Goddamn it. You’ve gotta be kidding.
Come on, go the f*ck back to sleep.

[Joe Little]

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed
that it's now possible for me to take a photograph of a my wife with her mouth shut. Amazing technology!

[Anylastwords]

what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girl friend???
answer... he wiped his @$$

[Mark Gamble]

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for
seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss
called to tell me that you quit your job today and
that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that
I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal
and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you
love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that
connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me
anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great
life!

@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ @@

Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your
letter. It's true that you and I have been married
for seven years, although a good man is a far cry
from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your
constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't
work..

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but
the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just
like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say
anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't
comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have
gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you
because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and
I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister
had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that
morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that
we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for
ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were
gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always
wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote
ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my
sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

[Mark Gamble]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,
"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you
haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a
coma or something."

The vet turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A
few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the duck from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said,
this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!"
she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word
for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

[Mark Gamble]

Irish COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He
had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales , and
Ireland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a
hug?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug
and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a
kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss
and walked on.
The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya
ever been fooked laddie?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.
She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'

[Anna Almonte]

[Joe Little]

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peaks in and catches his folks in the act. Before daddy can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees...

Johnny hops on daddy and starts going to town... pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping... Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off!

[Joe Little]

A priest and a nun were returning from the church convention when their car broke down.They had it towed to the local garage and faced the fact that they'd have to spend the night in a motel. There was only 1 motel in town and it only had 1 room available. So they had a problem.

'Sister ,' said the priest, 'i dont think the lord would mind, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this 1 room. i'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed,'

'I think that would be ok,' said the nun.

They prepared 4 bed and each 1 took took their agreed place . 10 minutes later the sister said , 'Father, i'm terribly cold,'

'Ok ,' said the priest, 'i'll get up n get you a blanket from the closet,'

10 minutes later the nun said , 'Father i'm still terribly cold,'

'OK sister,' said the priest, ' i'll get up n get you another blanket,'

10 minutes later , the nun said ,'Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the lord would mind if we acted as man and wife for just this one night,'

' You're probably right ,' said the priest , 'Get up and get your own damn blanket,'

[Mark Gamble]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded.”

Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"