Funnies!!

[Mark Gamble]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was literally burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would prove beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He attended the local Technical College, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career"...

[Mark Gamble]

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a patrol
officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn
you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could
be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband
repair it as soon as I return home."

" Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse
is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty
to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get
home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband
about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on
immediately.

" Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was
something wrong with the emergency brake."

[william w]

Old is when...

...your friend compliments you on your new alligator shoes and you are barefoot.

...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pace maker opens the garage door nearest you car.

...your don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go with them.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...your sweetie says" Let's go upstairs and make love." and you answer, " Honey, I can't do both!"

...when your cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

..."getting a little action" means you don't need any fiber today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

...an " all nighter " means not getting up to pee.

[william w]

[Mark Gamble]

One day in the future, Barack
Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where
the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here,"
says the devil. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a couple of folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded
pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a
large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and
over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think
so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all
day long."

The devil led him to the door of
the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got
this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Obama saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his
arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.

Obama looked at this in shocked
disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said........... (This is priceless...)




"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[Mark Gamble]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and
urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont ..

Their first night there, she undressed as he did
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties;
he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied:
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same--
she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit--
but now he was wearing a black condom ..

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

[Burkie]

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone."Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico ." Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock.. What about Canada ?" Obama: "Okay, I'll call Stephen Harper and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... All colored with red maple leaves with small writing on each one:

MADE IN CANADA - SIZE: SMALL

[Antonio Almonte]

Now that is a good one Burkie!

[Anna Almonte]

[Joe Little]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as
he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

[Joe Little]

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are Cajones,bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one Cajones serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These Cajones are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[Anna Almonte]

A teacher's story about Stuttering

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says



A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'


The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.


"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'


'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.




'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'f*ck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!


The teacher had to leave the room.

[mikedean]

Sidney Crosby walks into a bar and orders an Ovechkin...

Bartender says what's that?

"A white russian with no ice and no cup!"

--------------------

So a baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says "What will you have?"

"Anything except a Canadian Club."

------



Thank you thank you I'll be here all week.

[Burkie]

Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!

Love,
Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.

Santa

[Dan R.]

The Lottery winner.
Man comes home and tells his wife that he hit a winning lottery ticket and how much would she want to move the hell out and leave him in peace. She was a bit taken back, but gave it some thought and said "I would be happy with half and never bother you again." He quickly agreed, saying "I won $12, here is your 6 bucks, see ya!"

[clhilde]

[Mark Gamble]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf
When she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return
To the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro, seeing her come into the clubhouse, said
'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
'Where', he asked.
'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,
'Then your feet are too far apart.'

[Joe Little]

A Bus stops and two Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country… we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who'za talkin' about a sex? I'm justa tellin' my a friend here how to spella Mississippi."

[Anna Almonte]

I so needed that laugh thank you.

[Burkie]

Nice one Joe.

Regards

[Burkie]

I submitted 10 Puns to a Pun contest hoping to win.

However No Pun in Ten did.

[ronald hannah]

Okay, I first have to tell you that when I received this it took me back to when I first met Joe Durfee.

I asked Joe, "are you married?"

Joe replied "no, I like women but I also like money. My friends have indicated that if you have women you will not have money. I don't have women.

A Male Fairy Tale: Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The end.

[Mark Gamble]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Albany, Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

[Joe Durfee]

Okay, I first have to tell you that when I received this it took me back to when I first met Joe Durfee.

I asked Joe, "are you married?"

Joe replied "no, I like women but I also like money. My friends have indicated that if you have women you will not have money. I don't have women.

A Male Fairy Tale: Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The end.

[clhilde]