Funnies!!

[Joe Little]

Unfortunatly I do too, and it does not matter if it is a weekday, the weekend or on vacation Seems the only exception is an SFA workshop

[Dan R.]

After a long night of 'necking'?

[graniteman]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The egg is frowning and looking annoyed, while the chicken is smoking a cigarette and has a big smile on his face.
The chicken says,"Well, I guess we answered that question"

[Joe Little]

[graniteman]

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran
out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.
Frogs are good bass
bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with
the frog in his mouth I
grabbed him right behind the head, took the
frog, and put it in my bait
bucket.

Now the dilemma was
how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I
grabbed my
bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its
mouth. His
eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake
without
incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little
later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that snake, with two
more frogs.

[graniteman]

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited
anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like
you. "
"Oh, great," he said, "What is it? "
"It's called the door! "

[Joe Little]

Two yankee's went deer hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female deer costume and learned the mating call of a female deer.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the buck, then come out of the costume and shoot the buck. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the deer love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a huge buck came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the buck was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

[Joe Little]

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!


A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.


Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.


The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"


The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

[william w]

[graniteman]

431547_3432351056440_1500324421_3109888_509978849_n.jpg (32.96KiB)Viewed 2365 times

[Joe Little]

The phone rings at the military motor pool and an authoritative voice demands to know how many vehicles are operational. Paddy answers, "We've got 12 trucks, 10 utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-assed colonel drives around in." There is a stony silence. "Do you know who you are speaking to?" demands the gruff voice. "No," says Paddy. "It is the so-called fat-assed colonel you so insubordinately referred to." "Well, do you know who you are talking to?" "No," roars the colonel. "Well thank goodness for that," says Paddy as he hangs up the phone

[Ken Lago]

Paddy the Irish prime minister calls up Gorbachow and said: "Gorb, as of tomorrow Irland declares war on Russia' Gorbachow chuckled realizing Paddy must be drunk again so he tries to talk some reason into him. "Paddy, do you know Russia have a fleet of 900 warships ready to deploy at any moment, how many have Irland got?..."2, if I include McDonnals fishing boat down in Cork but I don't care, war is on"... "Paddy, do you realize we have over 5000 war planes and 1500 tanks loaded with all kinds of extremely powerful weapons, what have you got?... "I'm not sure and I don't care, war is on as of tomorrow" Gorbachow took a deep breath... " paddy, do you realize Russia have over 2 million combat ready men fully armed to the teeth"... Silence...."Ok Gorb, war is off" Gorbachow was relieved and said:"Thank god, but what made you change your mind Paddy?".... "Well, we don't have enough room for all those prisoners"

[Mark Gamble]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her
little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer
who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
She dug through
her purse and was getting
progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked
The policewoman replied,
'It's square and it has your picture on it..'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse,
looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman.
'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror,
then handed it back saying, OK, you
can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

[Ahjort]

The Mexican Maid

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife (increasingly agitated): "Oh he did, did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife (really boiling now and through gritted teeth):

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora......The gardener did."

Silence……

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

[clhilde]

[Ahjort]

Sam's new cowboy boots

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice
anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam.
Shoulda bought a hat."

[Joe Little]

Old Lady in Court...
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him to have his way.take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

[Dustin Adams]

This could be your new girlfriend!!!! Careful with online dating boys and girls....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTTwcCVajAc

YIKES

[Mark Gamble]

Bubba's wife caught him blow drying his di** this morning and asked him what the he** he was doing.

Apparently ........ "Heating up your breakfast wasn’t the right answer!"

[Mark Gamble]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc? .... I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every way"
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ... an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."
He immediately drops his pants and replies, ....."Look at this, ....still in the CRATE"

[Mark Gamble]

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my
neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their
dog.

During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she
wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.

Both of her parents, Liberals were standing there, so I
asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you
would do?"

She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

Her parents beamed with pride!

"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until
you're Prime Minister to do that!" I told her.

"What do you mean?" she replied.

So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull
weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over
to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can
give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight
in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do
the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to Canada."

Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.

[Mark Gamble]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

[clhilde]

[Mark Gamble]

Teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your haircut.
Then we'll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)


“Did you also notice they all walked everywhere?”

[Mark Gamble]

A few days ago an old friend sent me a Vietnam Veteran cap. I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

Yesterday I wore it when I went to Walmart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But I digress...enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"

"No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?"

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812."

I thought it was a snappy retort.

"The war of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"

God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity.

"1936," I answered as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it."

This was beginning to be way fun!

"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."

The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still top secret and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he gave me the don't threaten me look.

"Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another deadly serious look, I made the I see you gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time!

Tomorrow I'm going back with a Homeland Security cap.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!